Problem

I’ve thought a lot about how to say this, about how to start off. I guess the only way I can really start this off is by saying sorry. While I don’t feel like I have done anything to warrant a public apology, I feel that it is necessary for my growth as a Catholic and as a person to apologize. We’ve all been there; we’ve all felt low and at the end of our rope. We’ve all lashed out to the people we love. We’ve all hurt someone, in one way or another. We’ve all played the victim. We’ve all denied that our actions have caused irreparable damage. Loss happens. But that’s okay because we are human and humans are meant to feel pain, agony, and utter despair.

            In my case, I’ve hurt the ones I love in a different way. Through being too much.

What is being “too much” you might ask? Is it loving too much or caring too much or feeling too much? How can too much be bad? They always say having something in excess is bad for you. Chocolate is great, but too much makes you sick. Having a lot of money might seem like a good thing, but greed will always bite you in the butt sooner or later. Loving someone too much is wonderful and it’s great that you feel such a plethora of emotion, but sometimes you end up smothering the ones you love and hurting yourself in the process.

If you’re still unclear if you might be a too much person, let me ask you this. Have you ever loved someone so much you would go to the ends of the universe for them, but they just didn’t feel that strongly for you? You both thus end up hurt. Have you ever underestimated the friendship you share with other people and ended up making them feel uncomfortable because you care too much about them, but they just don’t see you that way? Have you ever felt so sad and you just want to drown in your misery, but instead other people view you as dramatic or immature? This is the exact opposite of caring too little. These are all examples of what society calls, being “too much,” and unfortunately I am one of those people.

It has always been hard for me to know where the line stops. Sometimes that line for me is drawn in chalk, easily erasable and easy to edge forward, while to someone else that same line is tattooed permanently in the ground. How does one even function in a society where too much is a bad thing? How do you cope with these feelings of being what some might call a burden or unbearable at times? It’s hard, that’s for sure.

I am too much. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop talking or when to just sit back and think. Sometimes I can be dramatic in my actions when I’m caught up in emotion. It’s hard to control these feelings because I feel in excess, I feel too much.

One problem that has plagued me the most is that I grew up thinking that pushing everyone away when I was upset was okay but in reality that only ended up hurting the ones I love the most. What I didn’t realize is that sometimes people want you to just tell them what’s going on or just to be present with them in the moment. But when your mind is going a million miles an hour and the breaks are broken, you can do nothing but crash and watch your life burn around you. I’ve caused a lot of fires in my life and placed the blame on anyone but me. I’ve broken a lot of hearts when all I was trying to do was protect myself. I can be self-centered and too involved in my own problems to notice that the ones around me are suffering just as much as me. I can be too affectionate with people I barely know because I am so eager and attention starved, when my real intention is that all I wanted was to make a new friend.

However, I am human, and I know that God loves me, even when it feels like nobody else does. Maybe sometimes it is okay to eat too much of that chocolate or be a little dramatic because what you’re feeling is so powerful and you have no other outlet.

I wrote this song for people who also feel too much, who feel like they themselves are too much for society. What people don’t realize is that while we appear outwardly like a giant energy ball of feelings, we are also hurting inside too. We know that we are too much and we just don’t know how to change or become better for the ones that we love. We feel broken, unlovable, like a burden. We feel like all we do is wreak havoc and cause destruction. We realize that our actions are the problem and that we are the reason that our relationships have crumbled right before our eyes.

But I just want to let them know that what they feel is okay. It’s okay to feel like you’re too much and know that there is nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault that you feel in excess. It’s not your fault when your emotions overwhelm you, good and bad. But it is prudent to realize that it is time to change, because if you don’t, you might lose the ones you love forever.

This is my promise to change, to do better, to be better. And I am so sorry to those that I have hurt by being too much. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from, where we come from.

MC 2021