Mess is Mine

Relationships are difficult. Not an opinion, but a fact. Relationships are freaking hard as hell. It doesn’t matter if you see your significant other every single day, live with them, or never see them at all. Managing your life’s intricacies with another person in the balance is difficult no matter which way you swing it.

Relationships are all about feeding your own needs while simultaneously feeding someone else’s. For that specific reason, it’s clear why a lot of people don’t want to enter a relationship. Dating is a lot of work. You have to make time for yourself and make sure YOU are healthy enough to manage your own life while also making time for someone else. Dating is hard and anyone who says it is easy clearly has not been in a real relationship.

Sure, dating can be somewhat easier with the right person. The right person will make the difficulties of dating much easier to bear. They will help you grow while also growing themselves. They will give you extra love when you are running low yourself. They will shoulder your burdens because that is the entire point of dating. I’m not saying you have to get married. Marriage isn’t for everyone. But dating is the support of another person.

When you agree to date someone, you are essentially telling them yes, your problems are my problems, your bad days are my bad days. Your mess is mine.

How do you know if you’re ready to date then?

Do you have to be mentally stable in order to date? Do you have to have your whole life figured out? Do you need to be secure in yourself before you agree to support someone else?
It’s a tricky question, and honestly, it depends on the person.

I myself have dated people when I was at the lowest points in my life. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have dated because I wasn’t able to really support another person. I was always sad. My problems consumed the entire relationships. It was like talking without taking a breath and letting someone else find their own release. Was that right of me to do?

In that moment, I believed I was capable of dating because of the levels of love I felt, but then again, that is just how I am. I feel a lot. Like, a lot. My love for people is stronger than what is considered normal. I am touchy feely and show a lot of affection. I will buy someone a gift just because I think they would like it even if I don’t have any money. I will drain myself dry in order for someone else to be happy.

On the other hand, though, is it really healthy to drain yourself to the point of no return? Is it right to consume all the love between the both of you because one of you is severely lacking in love?

I thought I was right. I truly believed I was doing my best and that my best was indeed good enough. But for my partner, was it the right decision? Was he truly getting the same support I was? If I was the one consuming all the talks and the time and the love, was it fair to him?

Some people think that it is okay. Some people just don’t need as much love or attention than others. I am just not one of those people.

Is a relationship then finding the balance between those who need a lot of love and those who barely require it at all?

If I had to do it all over again, I don’t know if I would have stayed in a relationship until I was ready to give what was deserved. I don’t think it was fair or right of me to date someone if I wasn’t giving them the love and attention they needed. Even if someone says they don’t need that much love or that much attention, they’re lying. Because at the end of the day, if you’re the one who always is dealing with their problems and not allowing the other person to complain or vent or even have a bad day, then you are lacking a lot of respect for them.

I was at the point in my relationships where my significant other was afraid to talk about a bad day just in case he made me upset. He felt he wasn’t allowed to feel sad because what I was going through was technically “worse” than what he was. He was happy, so why should he feel that he was allowed to have a bad day?

The thing is, no matter the size of your problem, it is still a problem.

A problem is a problem, no matter how small.

Is it then a toxic relationship, or friendship, or family affair if you feel you can’t express how you feel, just because you don’t feel that your problems are significant? The lies that our society tells us today is that if we aren’t on our deathbed, we have no right to complain. Who normalized that? Who normalized shutting down basic human emotions just because others may have it worse? Just because you didn’t lose your leg in a car accident doesn’t mean you can’t complain about your bad day. Just because other people have it worse doesn’t mean your problems aren’t valid. But are you in a healthy relationship if you can’t express the way you feel?

What really constitutes a healthy relationship anyways?

Should you really date if you aren’t ready to support someone else in the way that they need. It is in fact a basic human right to treat someone with respect. It is a basic human right to give someone love, because love should be guaranteed, not earned. If you don’t know who you are, is it fair to drag someone down that path of destruction?

I am not qualified in any way to comment on other people’s relationships, because I myself wasn’t really ready for one either.

However, even if you aren’t ready on paper, you are still human, and you are still made from love by love. Therefore, you naturally have love to give, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Even though I wasn’t textbook ready to love someone, I still gave it my all. There is something beautiful that came out of my relationship, because what happened on the inside was that my partner got to watch me grow.

He watched me climb out of the very deep hole I dug myself into, and saw me transform into a beautiful, confident, and most importantly, stable young woman. And the best part is, he was with me every step of the way.

There was a certain pride I had in seeing him recognize my achievements. I was never more proud of myself when he told me he saw me improve, that he saw me grow confident and happy again. It made me realize that even though I wasn’t a textbook perfect girlfriend at the time, I could be one now. What was most important though is that me and my partner realized that relationships are a balance. He supported me, and now I can support him. It’s give and take. Push and pull. Love, and receive.

Yet again I’m going to ask. What constitutes a good relationship? Let’s say you aren’t mentally stable enough. Let’s say you don’t know who you are. Let’s say you’re so emotionally and physically scarred you don’t think you can ever love again. Then what?

It all comes down to respect.

Respect in relationships is the core foundation of everything. Whether we are talking about friendships, families, or a significant other, without respect you will not have a healthy relationship at all.

Take cheating for example. Why do people cheat in relationships? According to many psychological websites, cheating can stem from disinterest in your partner, a romantic love for someone else, unhappiness in your relationship, sexual desire, etc.

If you ask me though, cheating comes from a lack of respect. If you truly are going to cheat on someone, which arguably is one of the worst feelings in the world, why not just break up with them first? Why cause someone so much unneeded pain in their life? I am sure in some extraneous cases there are reasons for cheating, such as abusive or arranged marriages that one simply cannot escape.

However, it all comes down to respect. If you do not have respect for a person, whether it’s a friend or a significant other or a parent, you lie to them. If you do not have respect, you will see no problem wronging them. If you do not have respect, breaking someone’s heart can be as easy as breathing.

I’m not saying you’re a horrible person if you cheat. Everyone has their own reasons for everything.

But even if you don’t love someone anymore, you should at least respect them and your time together, no matter how small.

Cheating isn’t the only thing that can hurt relationships. Like I said earlier, no respect leads to lying which leads to mistrust and heartbreak in a different way. Lies and withholding the truth can be as detrimental to a relationship as cheating can.

See the point I’ve been trying to make here? It’s all about respect.

Respect is the key to everything. Once attractions fade in marriages, what is left? Some say friendship. Some say security. I say it is respect. You respect the commitment you made to the person. You respect their choices and you respect them enough so that they will respect you.

It all comes back to that balance, which is the secret to a happy relationship, no matter your state of mind.

So, if you’re going to take away one thing from this, it is this.

You do not have to be stable, or know yourself, or have the solution to cancer in order to date someone. In fact, you can be at absolute rock bottom with no way to turn. But, as long as you are trying your best to be your best, you’ll make it out just fine.

You just have to treat that person with respect.