Lonely. Not Alone.

I am lonely. Or am I alone? Those are two very different words if you think about it. Multiple dictionaries define lonely as “an emotional state where you are feeling alone or disconnected from others – even when they're right next to you,” and alone as “a physical state where you are physically by yourself.”

So, what’s the difference you ask? If you are lonely, it is an emotional state of mind. You can be with others, but still feel mentally alone. And if you are alone, it is physical. You are physically removed from the equation and isolated.

Why do we feel these emotions though? And why does it always seem like we are the only ones who feel this way? Some people seem to never be lonely. They are constantly surrounded by friends and laughing all the time. They are the people who are invited to parties and will have no trouble one social butterflies and have no issues with making friends with a stranger who sits next to them at the airport. Most of the time, people who seem to not be lonely are very extroverted.

I used to be extroverted. I used to be that person who was always talking in class or goofing around. Yet, I was still lonely. I would be surrounded by a group of friends at the lunch table, but I wasn’t really there. Maybe physically yes, but emotionally, no. Lonely, but not alone.

So if being an extrovert isn’t the key to not being lonely, then what is?

I know a bunch of introverts who seem to be perfectly happy too. These people aren’t always surrounded by friends. They definitely wouldn’t talk to the stranger next to them on the airplane. But the friends they do have, those select few people, with them they are home. They don’t need a big crowd to make them happy, or twenty bridesmaids at the altar. All they need are the people who truly see who they are inside.

Ok, now you’re probably asking, “Maria. I am extroverted and I still feel lonely” or “I am introverted, and I still don’t have those select few people.” I know, I know. You’re right. And as someone who used to be extroverted and is now introverted, still without that close group of friends, I don’t really know the secret myself.

How was I lonely as an extrovert, and now as an introvert, both lonely and physically alone?

Am I a failure for not making those friends? Am I lazy for not putting myself out there even though rejection is so hard that I can barely stomach it?

Additionally, why is it so much easier for me to make friends with boys, as I am really lacking in that girl gang department?

I envy people who had a normal college experience and were able to make friends that they now live with and enjoy seeing every day. Those people who have that close girl gang I’ve always dreamed of having. Those people who didn’t spend their freshman year hiding in their room because they were so socially inept that the thought of making friends and then being left out, again, made them sick.

People always tell me that I am very easy to talk to and that I’m funny. People tell me that I’m kind and that I deserve better than what I was given. Now, I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, but to point out the obvious here.

If I’m supposedly so easy to talk to and nice and blah blah blah, then why do I have NO CLOSE FEMALE FRIENDS?

Am I the problem?

Or are there other people out there who are going to read my blog post and feel the same way?

I’ve always dreamed of having that bestie for life. Someone I can tell all my secrets to and be genuinely happy to see them.

Friends in high school are fickle and change because people change. My best friend from high school is absolutely thriving in college, and I am so so so proud of her. However, college has taught me that we are two very different people, and that distance makes it hard to stay as close as we once used to be. She is an extrovert through and through, and I am as introverted as it gets. She has no problem making friends and is probably very popular at her college. I never leave my room and I am definitely nobody.

But does that mean we can’t be friends despite being so different? Are those people who seem to be busy in every aspect lonely too? I sure was.

You can never see how people feel on the inside. You could be on top of the world with all the friends you’d ever want, but still feel lonely.

Never judge a book by it’s cover, because you never know how people are really feeling.

So, what’s the right way to live then? What’s the tell all secret?

I think the secret to making friends is just putting yourself out there, no matter how hard it is. Because, if you’re like me and hide in your room rather than face the world, you’re not really going to get anywhere. And complaining about it might be cathartic, but not really productive is it?

So, this is my promise to try.

Even though it’s hard, and scary, and I’m absolutely terrified of failing to find those people yet again, I’m going to try.

I choose to not be alone and isolated anymore.

Because it’s better to be lonely than alone.